The Sins of a Father

I have to start this letter off by letting you know that I love you. I am asking for the space to reflect in a non-judgmental space. I want to be clear; I am not mad, angry, or sad. However, I am still hurt. We have family members that have idolized you and, to this day, look up to you. You sold drugs across state lines and even various countries. Some men saw your drug empire as being strategic. However, I question why you didn’t use your gifted mind to stand up a legitimate business. My entire childhood we were poor, we went without, and my two older sisters and I were forced to grow up and face life much earlier than the average child. I can remember eating white rice for several meals of the day or scrambling to gather the spare change to go across the street to the gas station to piece together snack options. In contrast, I had a father who had a quarter of a million dollars cash prior to going away to prison.  

I don’t believe you were strategic. If you were, we wouldn’t have been so poor growing up. My sisters wouldn’t have had to start working so early to help provide. My mom wouldn’t have been so broken and defeated or even hurt when it came to you. I never idolized you. I questioned why we weren’t enough for you. You have driven every available nice car, lived a fast life, carried tens of thousands of dollars at any point, and had jewelry, money, and so many other items at your disposal, including women. Yet, you never gave your kids your everything. Please hear me out. This is not me pointing the finger at you, but there are still a few things that I do not understand. 

When I look at old pictures of my mom, she was tall, thin, intelligent, and all-around a beautiful woman. You had every opportunity to marry her. You once told me that she declined, and, in my opinion, this was you placing the blame back on her for her decision to say “no” to your proposal initially. Rather than internally reflecting to understand better why it is that she would have said no to you at the time, you stayed in the streets and hustled for yourself and not a bigger purpose… to provide. If this story is true, maybe she wanted you to get your life in order. Perhaps she wanted also to get her life in order. Either way, when you want something bad enough, you continue to pursue it. To this day, I feel as if she was robbed from the beautiful aspects of marriage, which hurts to see, especially as I lead a family as a married man today. 

You caused physical, mental, and emotional damage to this family. You physically hurt my mom. I am in my thirties, and to this day, I can remember seeing bruises on her face and body. There were times she would avoid the rest of our family in an attempt to allow her bruises to heal. What you did not realize were the damaging effects that can have on a young boy. It made me hate you. It made me structure my life the exact opposite of yours. There is nothing more beautiful in my life than strong women who continuously challenge me. Rather than fighting it or feeling intimated or disrespected, I lean into and learn from their shared perspectives. 

You damaged your kids and still fail to make time for each of them. I am 32 years old, and I found out that I have two brothers that are my exact age. I met one of my brothers for the first time this year, and it blew my mind. The fact that I have two brothers the same age as me and that I am just now meeting one of them for the first time says a lot about your character. I have no idea how many kids you truly have, but it is the responsibility you have as a man to acknowledge them and put the time and work in, and not only with your favorites. I appreciate the time I get with you now, but I struggle with how there is little to no attempt with some of your other kids. You were in prison for fifteen plus years, not us, so you should own trying to reconnect and establish new relationships. 

You hurt so many more people, including me, but there are lessons that I learned from this. I learned to lean into my emotions, and that it is appropriate to be vulnerable, empathetic, caring, and compassionate. The women closest to me are roses. These women are strong, sharp as a thorn, yet delicate and beautiful at the same time. They don’t intimidate me, they encourage me to be the best version of myself, and I lean into their experiences rather than shutting them down. You indirectly taught me to hold my head high for so much of my life. I hid from being poor, and I hid my family struggles. While in college and within my journey of becoming a man, I leaned into my adversities and began being open and transparent. I realized my emotional scars didn’t define who I was, but instead they were a part of my journey. By watching you and working to be the opposite, I indirectly learned to give my everything to those I love. I lay it all on the line. I push my career, love, and empathy to the limits because I know how important it is in life for others closest to me to feel and see this. I was indirectly taught by you never to let the family down. 

I have two goals in sharing this letter, the first is for you to understand better a few of the emotions created by your actions. I want to be clear again; you owe me nothing. You don’t owe me the time it may take out of your day to read this letter.  I am not seeking anything other than sharing my perspective and part of my journey with you. I pray that you do not take this personal, but you view it as an opportunity to understand the journey of a boy who turned into a man who shares your name. I stated before that I love you, and I want to continue to build. Let’s continue to grow and cultivate as two men working towards positively learning more about each other. 

My second goal in sharing this publicly, is for fathers who are currently absent or simply fall short in showing up in their family’s lives. Your kids expect you to keep your anger and temper under control. Your kids need you to be present and readily available. When you are gone there is simply a void. Typically, when a father is absent from the home little boys grow up struggling to maintain a foundational relationship with their fathers later in life. Their fathers can almost become an afterthought. To those fathers that have or will miss opportunities to be with their family, think before you make selfish decisions. Think through the long-lasting impact it may have on your children and make the best decisions with your family in mind.