Remembering My ‘Why’ as a Working Mom
The time is 5:15 a.m. as I begin writing this article. This has recently become my most productive hour of the day, which I would have found hard to believe almost a year ago.
One year ago, I was seven months pregnant and preparing for the birth of my first child. I was working regularly 4-5 days per week and I was very comfortable in my routine and my day to day groove. I went to and from work, coordinated dinner plans with Ben and moved freely as we pleased during the week and on weekends. Oh how things changed in just a few short months....
I took a little over three months off for maternity leave once Tatum was born in September and planned to return to work in January to start the new year off fresh. I joined a new practice while on maternity leave, so I anticipated work looking different, but I did not realize just how different things would actually be incorporating another life into our routines. Not only did my day to day schedule change, but the level of emotion involved was heightened.
In the weeks prior to my return to work, my anxiety was starting to build and I was feeling more and more sad at the thought of leaving Tatum during the day. She was starting daycare, I was joining a new office, figuring out breastfeeding schedules and trying to make it all work. Luckily, we were able to plan a few half days at Tatum’s daycare prior to her beginning full time which made me feel more comfortable. I cried like a baby the night before I went back to work and was extremely overcome with emotion knowing I was going to be leaving her for a majority of the day and my time with her would drastically decrease. I felt guilt around going back to work, but also an excitement about returning to a profession that I love and joining a new practice. It was all very confusing and emotional.
Once I began working for a few weeks I slowly fell into a routine with work but I never felt like I had personal time and a lot of tasks were falling behind. I would go to work, have a few hours with Tatum before she went to bed. One of us would handle dinner while the other put Tatum to bed and that left very little time in the evenings. I soon realized my day would have to begin earlier to be productive and our calendars mattered more than ever.
After reading a book, The Five Second Rule by Mel Robbins, recommended by my sister, who is also a mom and an early riser, I had a change in mindset gradually and began my day at 5 a.m. on work days. This didn’t happen overnight, but once it became the norm, I really felt like I had regained my personal time. Tatum wakes up at 7 a.m. every day, so this allows up to two hours of personal time most mornings. I answer emails, read daily devotionals, knock out a few tasks on my to-do list, or work out. This allows me to really focus on family time once I get home from work and disconnect.
I figured out my cadence with scheduling, but I still couldn’t and sometimes can’t quite shake the emotional piece. Most mornings I begin seeing patients at 7 a.m., and I leave before Tatum is even awake. If I have a meeting or study club after work, there are days when I don’t see her at all, and those days are the most difficult. Feelings of guilt, feeling that Tatum will forget who I am or that our bond will be lessened are all thoughts that have run through my head. I have slowly come to grips with the fact that this may not change and I have to be okay knowing that there may never feel like an absolutely perfect balance between being home and working. I feel guilty either way.
Just when things were feeling normal and I felt I had a good balance emotionally, COVID-19 came along and I found myself back at home for 9 weeks with Tatum. Quarantining, being out of work, and the entire pandemic brought a wide range of emotions during those weeks, but feelings of gratitude were overwhelming knowing this was precious time with our daughter. Nine weeks of soaking up every memory and watching her grow before our eyes was a true blessing. Once I fell back into that routine, I got word it was time to return to work and it felt equally as hard this time as it did when I returned from maternity leave.
This return came with longer working hours in the beginning, no daycare and included emotions around working in healthcare during a pandemic and precautions to keep my entire family safe and protected. This was hard, and it still is at times. When I leave work now, due to the nature of my profession, I immediately come home and shower before I even touch Tatum, which takes more time away. I find myself at times calculating before the day is even over how much time I’ll get to spend with her at the end of the day once I finally get home, shower and hopefully have time to cherish before bed at 7 p.m. It never feels like enough but those small moments become so much more enjoyable now. Weekends are treasured and family time has really become a highlight even more than before.
It’s not easy. I don’t know that it will ever be easy or that I will ever find the perfect balance between working and motherhood. But what makes it easier is having clear schedules, excellent communication and being honest with my own expectations. There are going to be hard days but they make the good days even better. I have a beautiful family that I get excited to come home to, and they are the same motivation behind grinding it out at work and building towards our future.
I encourage you to find your ‘why’ or your purpose behind what you’re doing and use that as a motivator. When I get down and sad about leaving Tatum, I have to remember this is to help build a foundation for her future. She won’t remember all of these exact moments that I spend so much time worrying about, but I do hope she remembers her mom as a hardworking, family oriented superwoman who juggles schedules, challenges and emotions to provide her with the best life possible. Keep pushing and find that ‘why’ behind your purpose. Remember it’s ok to not be perfect and take things one day at a time. Cherish the small moments and express your gratitude for them.
