Everyone Isn’t Welcome
Protecting your family from family
I married my wife, India, almost four years ago. We were both twenty-eight at the time. I was barely cracking into my career, and she was still in residency. I was renting a bedroom in my fraternity brother's house, which was possibly one hundred square feet in total. My wife and I were engaged for almost a year and a half. She had no income while in residency, and we had financial responsibilities including rent, car notes, student loans, and trying to pay for a wedding out of our own pockets. I remember this time being exciting and stressful at the same time. My wife handled all the planning, and I managed the vendors and paying them.
I remember looking at my final wedding invitation list and realizing that it was packed full of very close friends to this day that I consider family and a minimal list of actual family members. My sisters stood in the wedding, and I invited my mom, dad, aunts, and roughly five of my closest cousins. I have a large family filled with cousins, and for a brief second, I was conflicted about my final invitation list. I considered opening it up to more family, but I quickly retracted the thought and decided to stick to my initial decision.
Your wedding indeed should be, if not the best day of your life, one of the best days of your life. You want your wedding venue filled with love, care, passion, and good energy. I thought about my family and realized the majority of my family wasn't there during my darkest moments in life when I needed them most. I even feel like some of my family secretly roots against my mom, my sisters, and myself. I have had cousins openly call my mom a "crackhead" or even just reference her struggles with substance abuse directly to me. I have had cousins jump on my mom, knowing she was alone and without protection from her adult children who were several states away.
I ask myself, where were these family members when I was down and out, broke, hungry, and with nothing to my name. Where were you to teach me, coach me, help me through those challenging times? Where were the congratulations when I graduated from college or graduate school? Why do you feel it is ever okay to physically put your hands on your aunt when you know she has no way to protect herself?
It is typically these same family members who will smile directly in your face when they see you in person yet trash you and your immediate family's names when you are not around. YOU are not healthy for me; therefore, you are not welcome. You cannot root against me in the dark yet try to celebrate me in the light. It doesn't work that way in my life. It's not fair to me or the people who put in the work and wrapped their arms around me to help ensure that I made it in life. It's not fair to my process and the grind I put in to make it to this moment without any help from you. You don't deserve a seat at this table; therefore, you won't have a seat at this table.
This motto doesn't only apply to my wedding, but it applies to my life. I only welcome positive energy and those that don't judge my immediate family's past adversities or try to use those struggles against me in wicked ways. I encourage you also to consider only inviting your actual support group to the most meaningful events of your life. Major life events are not cheap, and you want the people around you who celebrate you in the light and encourage you in the dark. I packed my wedding with people who are the most important to my journey, and we partied the night away. I have no regret revolving around my wedding invitation list or my life list; therefore, I have no sorrow about how I protect my family from family.