You May Lose Me, But I Won’t Lose Myself

I never struggled with my identity. I felt like I knew who I always was and who I wanted to be growing up. I did not know what I wanted to do from a career standpoint, but I knew the type of man I wanted to become. I wanted to be honest, empathetic, loving, faithful, compassionate, reliable, and so many various adjectives. As early as elementary school, I can remember observing adults and placing them in buckets labeled “loving,” “reliable,” “strong,” or even “terrible,” “untrustworthy,” etc. I was taught that it is not kind to label people, but this helped me understand which adults I should watch closely to develop what I believe to be high-quality characteristics.

I became and still am calculated by design. I am not a perfect human, but I work to become better and add value every day of my life. I relish spending time with positive energy people who are consistently working to better themselves and the people around them. On the opposite hand, it is daunting for me to be around those that are always negative. I am big on protecting my energy now as an adult. Everyone, unfortunately, does not mean us well. I am calculated because I am always screening people in or screening people out of my life. This idea goes back to college.

I came into college with a plan that I wanted to execute. I wanted to achieve good grades, land solid internships, establish lifelong friendships, and find a girl who would accept my scars and allow me to understand hers, to grow and build together. At the age of 18, I did not take those goals lightly. Again, I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I was coming into a private all-male school, which was neighbors to an elite all-female HBCU, Spelman College. Morehouse tuition/room and board last year totaled ~$48,000, and Spelman is slightly more in total cost. When I attended Morehouse, the financial composition was roughly 25% rich to affluent, 50% middle class to upper-middle class, and 25% lower class to poor.

I was poor while starting college. I had no established credit, and no one in my family could consign on loan for me. My sister helped me navigate the financial aid office, killing them with kindness, and explaining our situation. I was provided scholarships, approved for grants, and somehow took out loans independent of a consigner. My past was dark, and I had nothing financially to offer anyone of the opposite sex, but I knew I needed a partner that could accept and lean into my scars. At the age of 18, I was already screening for a wife. I was determined to find someone that I could partner and build out our shared forever.

When I met India, I naturally gravitated towards her. I subtly learned more about her, and in doing so, I realized that she lost her mother at the age of 8 due to cancer. India has always carried herself with confidence and determination. I was attracted to her drive and how committed she was to her goals. India had to figure out how to become a woman without having a mother present, just like I had to learn how to become a man without having a father present. Understanding that we both had this uphill battle and many other traits made it clear she was my life partner. India was the first girl I was entirely open and honest with regarding my upbringing. Rather than run away from my scars, she leaned in and helped me navigate.  

I graduated from Morehouse at the tail end of a recession, and I was jobless. I was stressed out because I checked all of the boxes I mentioned earlier… graduated with honors, had great internships, developed lifelong friendships, and was now dating the girl of my dreams. Yet, here I was jobless with $90,000 worth of student debt. Even when unemployed, I was not lost or down and out. I stuck with my plan, and India helped lean in and motivated me. She encouraged me not to accept any job offer that came my way because I needed to work but to continue to chase consulting as I had a plan of adding to my skillset while in consulting. At a time when I could have lost not just hope but myself, I didn’t. I stuck to my plan and remembered I was chasing something beautiful and more significant than me.

I am now 32, a brother, son, husband, friend, and father. I am living my purpose and building something beautiful with that same girl who is now a board-certified Orthodontist. I never lost myself or my dreams that I am still chasing. I found a partner and friends that have helped me in pursuing my goals. Along this journey, I have lost some friends who failed to be reliable, which is ok. I have even lost some friends and recently reconnected over lost time. I believe it is essential for us to truly understand who we are as individuals and who we want to be. Never lose yourself. Continue working at being the best version of yourself and digging deep to learn more about who you want to be, and determining your purpose will only allow you to be the best version of yourself.

Live in your faith, walk in your purpose, and never stop chasing your dreams.