Marriage and Communication
Marriage is one of the biggest blessings of my life so far. Ben and I have been dating since our sophomore year of college and our relationship has evolved so much over the past 13 years. We have had plenty of ups and downs, as most couples do, especially during our college years. Learning to navigate through these ups and downs was only possible through open communication and honestly maturity. Every couple is going to have disagreements at some point, which can be healthy. The tipping point is how you manage those disagreements and come out on the other side stronger because of them.
When I was in dental school in Augusta, Ben would travel in on the weekends after his week of consulting out of town. This was the first time we really shared a common living space together, and it was a huge adjustment for me. I found myself getting easily annoyed by things being out of place in “my space.” When bringing up these issues to Ben, we would butt heads and just go in circles with our arguments. I had to change my mindset and stop looking at things from a selfish perspective and realize he is also human and has his own ways of doing things that he’s used to. We had to come to a mutual agreement and set boundaries and expectations for both of our lives. Hindsight is definitely 20/20 and this certainly didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot patience and understanding on my end. I encourage couples to share a common space or even live together for a period of time to navigate all the bumps that come along with adapting to another person’s way of life. You will discover a lot about the other person, but I also found myself discovering the way in which I should respond and react in order to be constructive.
As our family has grown now, it has become even more important to keep open lines of communication about everything; emotions, schedules, housekeeping, work, everything. I used to just say whatever was on my mind at the time and let Ben know what I was thinking and how things needed to be changed or adjusted to make them suitable to my needs. This came across as nagging and honestly probably very annoying. It wasn’t until we had a mature conversation to discuss how we would like to communicate with each that things became constructive and really accomplish the goal at hand. I now ask Ben, “how would you like me to communicate this with you, or when would be best to discuss this?” Right when he gets off of work or in the middle of making dinner isn’t always the best time. I had to realize that just because I’m ready to discuss an issue doesn’t mean he is in the mindset to discuss it at that exact moment. We now have a lot of family discussions and scheduling on Sundays so we can start the week on the same page.
One of the most important topics of communication is our finances. Financial issues are the number one cause of divorce, so we established ways to be more open and discuss this proactively. We have a joint account that both of our income flows into. We also both have individual accounts and credit cards of our own. Having the joint account really gives us the opportunity to see where the money is coming from, where it needs to be allocated and is a discussion point for our spending. We have a monthly financial check in at the first of each month to discuss when we get paid, what we are saving, what extra expenses we have for the month and anything else revolving around the finances. That leaves no room for guessing or suspicion. If there are other things that need to be discussed throughout the month, we go ahead and address them when they come up and keep it moving. We communicate openly with our financial advisor and this has been key to helping us keep the balance on the financial side of our relationship.
Maturity has brought me a lot of awareness to my communication style. Does it still bother me when things aren’t exactly how I like them around the house? Sure. Do I still make comments or mistakes out of frustration? Sure. But having that self-awareness and circling back to the bigger picture really helps the way I respond and communicate things to Ben. Now that we have both established how we best communicate and receive criticism or suggestions is much different now that we’ve established these expectations. Communication can be hard and make you feel vulnerable at times, but it is key to a healthy foundation in any relationship. I encourage you to reflect on how you communicate, especially when frustrated. Explore how you like things communicated to you, whether that be verbal, in writing or a combination of the two. This area of growth helps with not only in your personal relationships, but can help in several areas of your life.