A Mother’s Struggle With Breastfeeding
As I was awaiting Tatum’s arrival, I really didn’t know what to expect in terms of breastfeeding. I read a few books and articles on the topic and tried to prepare as best I could, but you can never fully grasp what’s to come as a new mother. I was given advice from other moms and parents about almost every other aspect of motherhood, but no one ever really went into the details of navigating breastfeeding and the challenges it may present. Every mother is different, and every situation is unique, but I can recall only one or two other moms talking about it with me and sharing her experience in depth.
My prenatal classes and books had examples of different positions to breastfeed, but that certainly doesn’t simulate real life once that newborn is in your arms. When Tatum finally arrived, I was still a little groggy from the epidural, but I remember the nurse literally placing Tatum on my breast and just going for it. We were all just figuring it out together. She latched fine for the first few feedings and I was hoping and praying she was getting the nutrients she needed at that point since my milk had not come in yet. The lactation consultant came by the next day and was extremely helpful in navigating techniques and positioning, especially since I had a C-section and Tatum couldn’t lay across my stomach as usual. I requested the lactation consultant to come back every additional day that I was in the hospital and I picked up every tip she could give.
When I got home, we were having trouble with latching on my left side continuously and I was beyond frustrated. I felt like this should just come naturally and I began to feel like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I wasn’t succeeding at creating that special bond with my baby. I would find myself crying during feedings out of frustration. I’m crying. Tatum’s crying. What a mess. Tatum had trouble gaining weight over the first few weeks, so we went for weekly weigh ins with her pediatrician which added to my level of stress and feelings of inadequacy to provide for my child. I was racking my brain all the time worrying about her getting enough nutrients because you never truly know how much they’re eating when you’re exclusively breastfeeding.
I scheduled a follow up visit with a lactation consultant and eventually saw her 2 more times until we figured out a better groove. During these visits she would weigh Tatum before and after her feedings to see how much she was eating and helped with positioning. Between my lactation consultant and her pediatrician, we discovered Tatum had a tongue tie that we had to have clipped when she was 2 weeks old. I was terrified of how she would handle this, but I knew ultimately it would help her latch and she did just fine.
The days and weeks went on and I was still having trouble with my left side and I felt so defeated. Something that I thought should come so naturally was just not happening for me. I finally saw a breast specialist after I thought I was experiencing a clogged duct. I came to discover I had a lactating adenoma in my left breast which essentially caused a recurring clogged duct and much discomfort. I was told this was something that would persist as long as I continued breastfeeding and I could continue as long as I could manage. I continued to push through. I had it drained with a needle on several occasions, and it was just as fun as it sounds. We had the cells biopsied to rule out any pathology. I continued to experience the clogging no matter what I did and I eventually experienced mastitis. I kept telling myself to just push through and maybe after the next clogged duct I would consider stopping breastfeeding. The next time turned into the next time, and then the next time because I so desperately wanted to provide for my baby.
I finally had to realize I was jeopardizing my health to try to continue towards my original goal of exclusively breastfeeding for 12 months. I was devastated when I made the decision to stop around 4 months and I felt like the biggest failure ever. All the articles and books you read tell you that breastmilk is the best for your child’s development for at least the first 6 months, but they really don’t do a good job of making you feel adequate if that’s something you can’t achieve.
I had to slowly wean Tatum over the next month and I cried almost every feeding up until the last one and I balled my eyes out during our final feeding. I’m tearing up now even writing this. I really wanted to achieve that 12-month goal so badly. Luckily, I produced a lot of milk while I was breastfeeding, so I had a freezer stash to last until over 6 months. It took a long time to wrap my mind around the idea of ending something I considered such a special bond between the two of us, but at the end of the day it was the best decision for my health and Tatum is perfectly fine and developing normally today.
After I stopped breastfeeding and even to this day, when I get asked if I’m still nursing Tatum, my answer is obviously no. But my first instinct is to want to explain why I had to stop even though I wanted to continue, how I had goals of making it to 12 months and explaining the whole thing to not feel judged by my answer. A lot of this was probably in my head, but for so long I felt ashamed in public trying to quietly shake up Tatum’s formula so people wouldn’t judge me for not breastfeeding my infant.
Every mother doesn’t have the ability to breastfeed, some don’t produce enough milk to sustain their needs, some mothers choose not to nurse at all, and some are blessed to nurse their babies as long as they choose possible. All of those scenarios are okay and shouldn’t be judged. We have to do better as a society and as mothers to be understanding and respectful of everyone’s situation. Let’s give each other some grace and let’s have more conversations on this topic. A woman’s body is a beautiful gift that has the ability to not only birth an entire human but sustain their child’s life purely by the milk it produces. That should be celebrated.
Stay tuned for a follow up article about more on this topic. I’ll discuss breastfeeding and returning to work, the awkwardness of breastfeeding in public and shed more light on my experience.