Childbirth and How It Impacts Your Mental Health

I remember the exact rush I felt when I waited on the altar for my bride to come down the aisle.  The feeling was euphoria. I had always thought that there would never be any feeling like this again in my life. But then we had a child. I remember the 9-month journey of my wife’s body transforming, seeing the baby develop in her womb, and feeling the flutters of our little girl kick after India ate something sweet. There has been no more significant accomplishment in my life than having a child.

You have no idea what you are truly doing, and no matter how many books you read or how much advice you seek, it will go out of the window when you hold your child for the first time. Your brain turns to mush, and you become fixated and locked into this beautiful being. You will go through every range of emotion, starting with pure joy and excitement, but if you are anything like me, you instantly go into activation and thinking through the next five years of this child’s life. My advice here is don’t overthink it, enjoy the moment, and trust the process.

We initially began seeking out parenting advice from other new parents. I quickly realized that all couples in the first year of the child’s life are purely going through the motions and running on fumes. I recognized that all advice isn’t good advice from people that have kids. People tend to tell you the highlights and the best moments of being a new parent upfront. People rarely share the sleepless nights, space it can create between you and your spouse, the stress and anxiety you feel by not having the answers. Look, it is hard, but every moment is worth it.

In the first couple of weeks, once you get home from the hospital, your marriage will be tested. You will run low on patience, energy, time, and you will be sleep-deprived. If your family decides to breastfeed, that means the woman will initially be up every couple of hours. Sleep deprivation can naturally create unwarranted tension due to your spouse being up nursing and being sound asleep due to exhaustion. I selfishly was oblivious to this being as challenging as it was on my wife initially. I didn’t realize until I caught her broken and crying in the dark in the middle of the night trying to nurse the baby who refused to latch. Seeing my wife like that was devastating. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, and I felt like I had nothing to offer her or the baby. We talked about it, and I worked to do more on my part and help out with feeding when we had pumped milk. Communication is vital during this first couple of weeks because it can truly make or break your happiness.

Establish an expectations list with your spouse before and after the baby is here and revisit it from time to time. You may think you are helpful by doing things around the house, but your spouse may need you to be still, present, and to sit in the moment with them. Talk about everything. Do not allow things to fester or boil over to the point of an argument. Have a game plan for transitioning the baby out of your bedroom and into the nursery. Be open and honest about your needs, and remember sleep is one of them. In the first couple of months, the baby will suck every ounce of energy out of your body literally and figuratively, so talk about your needs openly and honestly with your spouse with a level head.

There will be tears. Lean into them. Even when you feel like you have almost everything under control and a defined process, something will come up that may break you down. There are times where self-doubt can creep in, and you may not believe you are doing enough to support your spouse or baby, and those are the hardest moments. What continues to help me is to continue to check in with my wife. I encourage you to always register with your spouse; they may not be ok. The first month and a half our infant was so small, I was scared to hold her because she seemed fragile and almost too delicate. It wasn’t until sharing this with my wife directly that she understood how uncomfortable I was initially. Letting your spouse into your headspace is so essential at the beginning of childbirth.

Having your first child is beautiful and the best feeling you may ever experience, but it is a continuous challenging journey. During the most challenging moments along this journey, remember your vows. Remember that this child expects nothing other than love, patience, empathy, food, shelter, and warmth. Remember that you and your spouse are in this together. You are not facing this independently, so try not to blame others for not meeting your parenting expectations. Communicate openly, honestly, and with grace. Be delicate because emotions can run high. Maintain your patience, have your moment(s), talk about it, and move forward. Lastly, you can do it.