It’s Okay To Be Emotional
Black men shy away from emotions
This past week one of my closest friend’s fathers passed away, and I had to watch the funeral virtually due to COVID-19. It was heartbreaking to see a strong man, leader, husband, and black father put to rest. It was hard to hear the pain in my brother's voice the day after his father had passed. I could tell he was trying to hold back his raw emotions, but they came bleeding out of his voice, and hearing this made me lean in. It allowed me an opportunity to share the emotion with him, and it allowed me to understand the depths of his loss and how it impacted him on such a deeper level. Viewing the funeral messed me up. I knew that it would, which is why I decided to put my earbuds in and watch it in the privacy of the back of my house away from my wife and child. I tried "getting it together" after the funeral ended by managing to stop crying, but you can easily tell when I have been crying. Walking back into the living room, my wife instantly knew something was off as I had a somber mood, and my eyes were bloodshot red. She asked me, "what's wrong?" and I instantly shook my head as if I was fine.
I thought back to my childhood, and I had that stupid feeling again to suppress my emotions to the woman who is truly my best friend. I instantly changed my mind and shared, "I just watched Mahdi's dad's funeral," and I kept it moving from there. I didn't dive into how this messed me up, how this selfishly made me think back to my father, who used to beat my mom senseless and spent 15 years of my early childhood in prison. My dad used to tell me, while behind prison walls, to be tough and act like a man at such a young age, and it was tiring. He needed to be tough while in prison… I didn't need to be tough or shy away from my real emotions as a free little boy or even man for that matter. My friend's father's funeral made me think back and question why I began taking advice on the topic of emotions from my father and other black men who never exemplified the best characteristics or leading role model examples in life.
My entire life, men close to me shied away from showing emotions, especially crying. At an early age, I had an older cousin who would call me a "cry baby" or tell me that I was "soft" if I ever cried. I was raised in a household of women who never shied away from their emotions. They regularly shared their feelings, both good and bad, but they were always raw and always vulnerable. I felt conflicted because I was being told that boys should not cry and need to be tough, but I would see the most influential people in my life, the women, never shying away from their emotions.
It was not just a handful of cousins who made me believe that boys should not cry, but it was also our community. Society makes us think that black men being emotional is not appropriate. If you google "black men crying," you will see an ongoing repository of the Jordan crying meme, a link to "30 best black guy crying memes", and the black crying man from Intervention. I googled "man crying," and the first images you see are of that same black man crying with the title of "epic man crying." This tells me people not from our culture are also poking fun at trials and tribulations of the black man's journey. This is exhausting. Why is it so easy for black men that show emotions to become a running joke? A joke to people who aren't even a part of this culture. We need to stop this, and we need to stop this in a hurry.
Similar to the rest of the world, 2020 has been an awful year for me. It has probably been the worst adult year of my life. One cousin lost both arms and both legs at the age of 40 due to an infection. A few weeks after his surgery, another cousin was shot in the head and murdered at the age of 26. Two close friends lost their fathers, and of course, dealing with the impact of COVID-19.
I typically shy away from going back home because there are still outstanding painful memories. Don't get me wrong, I have so many joyful moments, but the majority of the time home feels dark and depressing. I traveled back home this year to see my cousin that was battling the infection. In doing so, I decided to fly back home, independent of my wife and child. I didn't even consider asking my wife to join me going back home because I knew that this event would hit me hard emotionally, and I didn't want her to see me broken. I only wanted my wife to see me as a strong leader and someone who was able to keep it together, and someone who wasn't "soft.” A few weeks later, I found myself going back home for another cousin's funeral, and this tipped me over. Here I was flying back home again, alone, crying silently on the plane while wearing sunglasses and a hat pulled down as low as possible to avoid anyone seeing me crying and having an emotional moment. Why?
I ask myself, why do I care so much about how people perceive me crying or being emotional? I keep going back to my childhood and hearing "be tough," "be strong," "boys don't cry." All words so many black boys are taught at early, defining, impressionable ages. STOP doing this, stop telling young boys that they are soft while crying. It is okay, and at times relieving to show raw emotions. I am not hiding my feelings from anyone anymore, and that doesn't make me soft. It makes me compassionate, empathetic, caring, loving, emotional, and so many more characteristics. It makes me honest. It makes me real and it makes me vulnerable. Encourage our sons, nephews, and other boys that it is ok to express our raw and vulnerable emotions. Let's work on breaking these outdated stigmas to allow our boys an opportunity to grow up genuinely being themselves and allowing the space for them to lead honestly and openly.